New and Repeated

Life goes full circle.

Now its new... then it goes on... and travels the same road again.

Yet every newness brings the same new feeling.

Seeing everything newly is pessimism? Sort of.

Let's see. Sun is bright once again today. The difference is that now I've known it'll go down as well. And yet, I'll be restless when its twilight.

Nights I'm learning to manage. Twilights are still scary.

Vedas say, 'अभीः' - Be Fearless!

I try.

Wait

    I used to write a lot.

     I used to write so much romantic those days.

I used to think much more romantic.

  I would wait, I would wish. And I would

        write it all in wonderful words.

    I couldn't dance. But my words would dance.

    I wouldn't sing. But my poems would sing.

  They flowed out of me as easily as the

      sweet smell of earth after the first shower.

  Earth had waited for the shower for so long.

        I had too.

Now, the wait is over. The earth is no more

         fragrant. Nor am I.

       I have lost my words. I have lost the rhythm.

       I try hard. But now words won't come to me.

    The wait is now over.

                    Not exactly. I still wait. But this

    is a different wait. This is different fragrance.

    Not of the earth. Earth gave it away to flowers.

    Just as my words dissolved into feelings.

                   No. They won't come down on paper to

        dance now. I was never ugly. But now I feel

    beautiful. I feel fragrant. I feel music. I feel

    dance. I feel song.

                But a poem would not come to me now.

                The wait is over.

(dated 5th Feb 08)

Caterpillar and his thoughts

if u say to hrshikesh, u are dumb, he will be angry. he will hold a grudge against u because he knows he isnt really dumb. he will play smart, be good on the outside, and plot well to pay back the insult. he will surely pay it back with interest and make sure that u never again dare to insult him. if u did it publicly, u can be sure that u will never again dare to insult anyone at all, after he is thru with u.

if u say to madhav, u are dumb, he will be upset. he will not like that u called him dumb because he feels he isnt really dumb. he will think hard, try to find what made u think he's dumb. was it plain joke? was it malice? did u want to insult him on purpose? or has he really done something that makes him look like a dumbo? if yes, was it really a wrong thing to do or ppl think it was dumb because they dnt know anything abt it? how shud he react? shud he let go, or shud he explain? or does he need to take some strong action? he will think it thru, and act accordingly. usually when he really thinks things so thoroughly, he realises there's nothing much really, to bother doing anything. there's no need to waste time, energy and resources on plotting revenge or teaching lessons. yes, he definitely draws a line and if u crossed it, he will make u realise it soon enuf. but thats that. he usually uses his energy to explore himself.

why am i writing this? because i felt like. thinking isnt bad or waste of time. in fact, for those who think well, its a great tool. i know my caterpillar well enuf. and i owe him a lot because he taught me so many little little things that matter in this struggle to become a butterfly.

i was hugely proud because i thought i am good at introspection. my caterpillar makes me realise i dnt know the start or the end of whats introspection.

why did i mention hrshikesh? oh, for 99% 'acquired' human tendancies, he turns out to be the best and easily understandable example. by acquired i mean those which are thought indispensible in today's immoral and unethical world. btw, how much success is success? thats a tough one, but i guess u end up sacrificing all ur genuine smiles. i want my caterpillar to smile and i know he wants to smile as well.

why did i mention madhav? because i am hopeless. i will keep mentioning him time and again. there are many dilemmas, and there are many ways to come out of them. but u have to know how to make choices. btw, how choosy a choice can be? easy enuf, as long as u're choosing urself. i mean, really urself. now, thats tough. but once u get it, u dnt bother what u're sacrificing for it. someday my caterpillar will realise this. he will be a butterfly then.

in the meanwhile, my caterpillar continues to be a great teacher. and very humble, too.

PS: the names hrshikesh and madhav are not indicative of the personalities (anyone will realise it easily enuf if he tries to reconcile the names with the personalities described). they refer to the persons i've described here. pls do not try to find anything in names.

Nava-kaavya!!

Please scroll down for hindi translation

कधीतरी कुठल्यातरी वृत्तपत्रात आलेल्या एका सर्वांगसुंदर लेखातील काही उतारे -

साक्षरता - शिक्षण - प्रसारमाध्यमे यांच्या प्रसारामुळे काव्य सुधारले नाही; प्रकाशनाचा हव्यास तेवढा वाढला.

’काव्य’ आणखी काय वाटेल ते असेल; पण ती ’कला’ तर आहेच ना? ’कला’ म्हटली की तिथे तंत्र आणि परंपरा हे घटक आलेच. ते नाकारायचे म्हटले तरी त्यासाठीही त्यांचे ज्ञान-भान हवेच; परंपरा-तंत्र यांच्याविरुद्ध बंडखोरी करायची म्हटली तरी तेवढ्यासाठीही त्यांचे आकलन हवेच. छंदाला विरोध म्हणून छंदमुक्त लिहिणे आणि छंदाच्या अज्ञानाने छंदोभंग करणे या दोहोंत फरक आहेच.

कला म्हटली की रियाझही आलाच. किशोरीताईंनी रियाझ, साधना, तप इत्यादी संकल्पनांतील भेद उत्तम उकलून दाखविला आहे; तो भारतीय अध्यात्माशी सुसंगत आहे. रियाझ म्हणजे तंत्रावर प्रभुत्व मिळविण्याचा अभ्यास; साधना म्हणजे कलेवर प्रभुत्व मिळविण्याचा ध्यास; आणि तप म्हणजे सर्व जीवनच कलेला समर्पित करण्याचा क्रतू.

कला ही आकाशातून भुईवर उअतरणारी आकाशीची वीज आहे; तुम्ही खडकासारखे खंबीर रहा; ती तुमच्यावर कोसळेल; तुमच्यातून जीवनधारा झुळझुळ वाहू लागतील; भोवतीच्या जीवनाला जाऊन मिळतील - तिथे कला आणि जीवन अभिन्नच असतील. ’वोहळें हेंचि करावें। जें गंगेचे आंग ठाकावें॥’

हे नागमोडी आकाशपुष्प माथ्यावर माळण्याचे बळ आपल्यात कुठले? ते सोडा - पण रियाझ तर शक्य आहे? कविता करा नं जितक्या करायच्या तितक्या - कोण नाही म्हणतंय - पण त्या प्रकाशित करण्याची एवढी असोशी कशाला? असे किती वाचक तुमची कविता वाचतात? वाखाणतात? उगीच काहीतरी. कविता करतो एक, वाचतो दुसरा आणि पत्र तिसऱ्याला. असेच काही दिवसांपूर्वी एका मित्राचे एक खमंग पत्र आले :

" हे आजकालचे कवी आपल्या अत्यंत खाजगी दुःखांना, भावनांना कवितेच्या रूपात ’पाडतात’... कविता तर प्रत्येकाच्याच मनात भुणभुणत असते... पण म्हणून काय एकदम भड्‍कन कविता ’पाडायची’? त्या कवितेचाही मनात रियाझ झाला पाहिजे. ती गाळल्या गेली पाहिजे, तावल्या गेली पाहिजे; त्यानंतरच ती कागदावर उतरवली गेली पाहिजे. एवढे झाल्यावर, माझी ही कविता वाचकांनी का वाचावी, असा प्रश्न प्रत्येक कवीने स्वतःच्या मनाला वारंवार विचारला पाहिजे. आपल्या कवितेने आपण वाचकांना कायदेणार आहोत, याचाही विचार कवीने करावा असे वाटते. आली उबळ की केली कविता ही प्रवृत्ती थांबावयास हवी. ’नवकाव्या’ने या कवींची फारच सोय केली आहे. महर्षी वाल्मीकिंना पण वेदना झाली होती; ज्ञानदेवपण दुःखात होरपळून गेले होते. त्यांनी कधी आपल्या दुःखाचा टाहो फॊडला नाही... उलट आम्हाला अमृत दिले.

आजकालच्या कवींचे नवनवीन शब्द मला गोंधळात टाकतात. ’गर्भनिळे आभाळ’ यचा काय अर्थ घ्यावा?... ’ज्यांचा चेहरा चिणलेल्या तळघरातही नेहमी उत्सवगर्भच राहतो’ ही *** **** कविता. हे असनारे! तू कवी अस ना रे! पण त्याची सजा आम्हाला का? मला वाटते, आजकालच्या मुक्त आणि वैध गर्भपातामुळे या कवींना ’गर्भ’ शब्द मुबलक मिळत असावा!"


’वाङ्मयीन महात्मता’ या समीक्षालेखातील उतारे

वाङ्मयीन तादात्म्याची प्राथमिक पात्रताच मरठी लेखकांत फारशी दिसत नाही आणि ज्यांच्यात आहे त्यांना लिहिण्याची घाई इतकी असते, जणू काही त्यांना अभ्यासाने काही फायदा होतो ही कल्पनाच नसते. प्राथमिक पात्रता ही ईश्वरदत्त देणगी आहे पण अभ्यासाने तिचे संगोपन करणे हे लेखकाचे कर्तव्य आहे. प्रत्येकालाच प्रत्येक क्षणाला वाल्मीकि होता येत नाही. मराठी वाङ्मयाच्या हिणकसपणाचे एक कारण जरी लेखकांच्या जीवनानुभवक्षेत्राचा संकुचितपणा हे आहे असे गृहीत धरले, तरी त्यापेक्षा अधिक हानिकारक कारण म्हण्जे जे जीवनानुभव आहेत त्यांचेही अपुरे आकलन, तादात्म्यहीन परीक्षण हे आहे. जेथे कोठल्या ना कोठल्या मासिकात आपली गोष्ट दर महिन्याला प्रसिद्ध झालीच पाहिजे हा आग्रह, तेथे यथार्थ तादात्म्याची आशा कशी करता येईल? जेथे आज काय वर्गकलहचित्रणाची टूम आहे ना, मार्क्सवादी मजूरजीवनाच्या चित्रणाची प्रथा आहे ना, बेताल, अनिर्बंध स्त्री-पुरुष संबंधाच्या कवितांतच क्रांतिकारक साम्यवादाची किंवा पुढारलेल्या सुसंस्कृतपणाची इतिकर्तव्यता आहे ना, लिहा तर तसले वाङ्मय ही प्रेरणा, तेथे क्षणभर दम धरून मार्क्सवाद, वर्गकलह, साम्यवाद या शब्दसमुच्चयांत दडलेल्या गहन विचारसरणीचे परिशीलन करून, त्या विचारसरणीशी खरोखर समरस होऊन, मग लिखाणाला प्रवृत्त होण्याची यातायात कोण करतो?

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Hindi Translation

Excerpts from a newspaper article (translated):

साक्षरता-शिक्षा-प्रसारमाध्यमों के विस्तार से काव्य का स्तर तो ऊंचा नहीं हुआ है; प्रकाशन की होड जरूर लग गई।

’काव्य’ और जो कुछ भी हो; कला तो अवश्य है ना? जहाँ कला है वहाँ तंत्र और परंपरा भी हैं। उन्हें नकारने के लिये भी उनका ज्ञान-भान होना जरूरी है; उनके विरुद्ध विद्रोह भी करना है तो विरोध कर पाने के लिये भी उनका आकलन होना चाहिये। छंद से विद्रोह करने के लिये छंद-मुक्त काव्य करना और छंद के अज्ञान से छंदोभंग करना दोनों अलग बातें हैं।

कला है तो रियाझ भी है। किशोरीजी ने रियाझ, साधना, तप जैसी संकल्पनाओं का भेद बखूबी समझाया है; वह भारतीय अध्यात्म से भी सुसंगत है। तंत्र पर प्रभुत्व पाने का अभ्यास है रियाझ; कला पर प्रभुत्व पाने का निदिध्यास है साधना; और संपूर्ण जीवन ही कला को समर्पित कर देने का क्रतु है तप।

कला तो भूमि पर उतरनेवाली आकाशवासिनी विद्युत् है; आप पाषाण की तरह अडिग रहिये; वह आप पर गिरेगी, आप में से जीवन सहज ही बहने लगेगा; आसपास के जीवन से जा मिलेगा - वहाँ कला और जीवन में अभेद हो जाएगा। ’वोहळें हेंचि करावें। जें गंगेचे आंग ठाकावें॥’ (पानी की धारा गंगा से ही जाकर मिलती है।)

यह कुण्डलित आकाशपुष्प माथे पर सजाने पाने का बल हममें आजकल है कहाँ! उसे छोडिये, पर रियाझ तो कर सकते हैं? कविताएँ जितनीं चाहें रच डालिये - कौन मना करता है - पर उनके प्रकाशन की इतनी ललक क्यों? ऐसे कितने लोग आपकी कविताओं को पढते हैं? पसंद करते हैं? बेकार ही! कविता रचे कोई एक, पढे कोई दूसरा, और खत किसी तीसरे को। ऐसे ही एक मित्र का जायकेदार पत्र प्राप्त हुआ:

"यह आज के कवि अपनी अत्यंत व्यक्तिगत भावनाओं को कविता के रूप में ढालते हैं... कविता तो सभी के मन में गुनगुनाती रहती है... तो क्या इसलिए एकदम से कविता को ढाल ही दें? उस कविता का भी मन में रियाझ हो। वह छने, तपे; उसके बाद ही कागज पर उतरे। इतना होने पर, मेरी यह कविता लोग क्यों पढें, यह प्रश्न हर कवि अपने आप से पूछे। मेरी कविता से मैं पाठकों को क्या दे रहा हूँ, इसका विचार भी कवि करें ऐसा लगता है। मन किया और रची कविता, यह वृत्ति अवरुद्ध होनी चाहिये। ’नवकाव्य’ ने कविओं को बडी सुलभता प्रदान कर दी है। महर्षि वाल्मीकि भी वेदनाग्रस्त हुए थे; ज्ञानदेव भी दुःख में तपे थे। उन्होंने कभी अपने दुःख का आक्रोश नहीं किया... अपितु हमें अमृत दिया।

आजकल के कविओं के नित्यनवीन शब्द मुझे संभ्रमित कर देते हैं। ’गर्भनिळे आभाळ’ (गर्भनील आकाश) इसका क्या अर्थ लगाएँ? ........... मुझे लगता है आजकल के मुक्त और वैध गर्भपात की वजह से इन कविओं को ’गर्भ’ शब्द भरपूर मिलता होगा।"

’वाङ्मयीन महात्मता’ समीक्षालेख से उद्धृत (अनुवादित)

वाङ्मयीन तादात्म्य की प्राथमिक पात्रता ही लेखकों में ज्यादा दिखाई नहीं देती, और जिनमें है उन्हें लिखने की इतनी जल्दबाजी है मानो अभ्यास से कुछ लाभ होता है इसकी उन्हें कल्पना तक नहीं। प्राथमिक पात्रता तो ईश्वरी देन है, परंतु उसका अभ्यास से संगोपन करना लेखक का कर्तव्य है। हर कोई हर क्षण में वाल्मीकि नहीं बन सकता। वाङ्मय के निकृष्ट स्तर का एक कारण यद्यपि लेखकों के जीवनानुभवक्षेत्र की संकुचितता है, तथापि उससे भी हानिकारक कारण है विद्यमान जीवनानुभवों का अपूर्ण आकलन, तादात्म्यहीन परीक्षण। जहाँ किसी न किसी पत्रिका में हर महीने मेरी कथा प्रकाशित होनी ही चाहिये यह आग्रह, वहाँ यथार्थ तादात्म्य की अपेक्षा कैसे रख सकते हैं? जहाँ - आज क्या वर्गकलहचित्रण का जोर है, मार्क्सवादी मजदूरजीवन के वर्णन की प्रथा है, बेताल, अनिर्बंध स्त्री-पुरुष संबंधों पर आधारित काव्य में ही क्रांतिकारी साम्यवाद की अथवा पुरोगामि संस्कृति की इतिकर्तव्यता है, तो रचते चलो वैसा ही वाङ्मय - यह प्रेरणा, वहाँ कुछ क्षण रुककर मार्क्सवाद, वर्गकलह, साम्यवाद इन शब्दसमुच्चयों में निहित गहन विचारधारा का परिशीलन करके, उस विचारधारा से वास्तव में समरस होकर, फिर रचना के लिये प्रवृत्त होने का कष्ट कौन उठाएगा?"

Distrust

the most unbreakable thing in the world is Distrust. the only thing stronger than that is Trust.

Faith is beyond the realm of Trust and Distrust, and so is Love. neither is blind but both see, and see well, better than mortals.

but the flimsiest layer of Distrust is sufficient to keep the heart isolated, and normally, well-tuned and practical.

Distrust is the salt of life. necessary. only the desserts and sweets should be exempted. everything else in the life needs a pinch of Distrust.

Life is a marvel :)

Moment's Life

i can die any moment.

why wait?
why delay?
why procrastinate?

why fear?
why worry?
why sulk?

why hate?
why be angry?
why demand?
why expect?

why waste?
why bother?

i can die any moment. let me live the one i've got :)

dear ji, sorry for all the emotional tortures i forced upon u. u never left me despite all. thx.
dear shona, sorry for expecting so much from u. u never failed me. no thx for u :)
dear busy bee, sorry for being angry. u are the way u are. be as u are. u are great :)
dear bg, sorry for underestimating u so. u've handled things wonderfully. i'd have been broken had i been u.
dear maay, tujyashi hava titka bolta yet nahi :( tujhya ubechi sar itar kashala nahi.
dear a, chalta te bara chalta. tujhi athvan yete.
dear gudiya, tera no. last mein. kamini, barso beet gaye teri gaali khaye. miss u the most :) terko to meri yaad hi nahi. nalayak, mil tu mujhse.

dear kisha,
tum to duniya ke sabse bade kamine ho :( cant even miss u :( kuch samjhao mujhe :) take care :)

Trustees of The Soul

my home.

the two words carry so many emotions. HOME always means comfort. any place on the earth and over the heavens with all the luxury and ambience and beauty and charm and exotism and whatever else do not compare with HOME.

relationship is like that. it can be about love, about friendship, about belongingness, why, even about hate and about jealousy. each one has its own place. nothing can compare.

prudence is in the base. lovliest of homes will not stand without a strong foundation. love will not sustain a relationship if the foundation of trust is missing.

even without a trace of any emotional bonding, relationships survive years, simply on the merit of mutual trust. despite the deepest of feelings, hearts break in the blink of an eye, due to sheer baseless suspicion.

they say it isnt easy. to trust. to believe. i say, easy and difficult are the parameters which apply to a problem. life is not a problem.

thankfully.

i trust.

and u do, too. trust me.

the most beautiful emotion, the strongest, and yet the most fragile, is a tie between love and trust. prudence votes for trust. of course, most of the times i'll get kicked for trusting.

what i do weighs with me. loving is beautiful. deceiving stains. distrust and suspicion, if u just think straight enuf, are basically deceit. okay, i might get kicked. but i will still be beautiful.

i will still be free to fly. nothing weighs me down. trust is my wings.

love brings me down to earth. trust takes me high up in the skies.

well. i have the sweetest home.

Tick Tock Timer

time does not come with a label.

time flows around. it passes by. it comes, and it goes. but it does not carry any label. every single moment is identical. there are no names. no identification. no constraints. no limits. no fences and boundaries. no demarcations or differentials. its boundless and endless. and it contains but will not be contained.

its we who break it into pieces. early times are relatively free, but as the flow passes by, we try to demarcate it more and more. we will not eat lollipops, because we are grown ups. we will not break windows, because we are grown ups. we will not speak our minds, because we are grown ups. we will not cry freely, because we are grown ups. we will not laugh heartily, because we are grown ups. what the hell!!!

when the time came, it did not come with its do's and don'ts. what should guide us in doing or not doing, i believe, is our own body. at the age of 60, if i am healthy enough, why cant i play hide and seek? if i have broken my jaw, that will definitely dictate my laughing and crying. but why should we bind the time in this?

then there is time for lunch and for dinner. time to go out and come in. time to talk and to keep quite. why? again, if i live as i am intended to live, my body will guide me rightly, what has time got to do with dining and lunching? my body will be more healthy if i follow what my body tells me, rather than trying to synchronise it with my enforced territories of time which do not even exist.

again, if i live as i am intended to live, my heart will guide me rightly, and my brain, and not time, in expressing myself. what has time got to do with expressions? its impartial and impersonal. it levels everything, big and small. it measures all as just the same. its perfectly expressionless, identical in each moment.

timer is ticking. by the time we realise what we have wasted, we will have lost all the precious moments.

time has always been free. all it expects is for us to have it to its fullest. it does not come with a label.

let me not restrict myself to the dogmas and the limits. let me flow along with the Great Flow, and i will know contentment.

Drops and Rain

it starts drizzling outside. the child runs out to see the beautiful fresh rains. she goes out, rain falling over her, to catch a few drops. she closes her fist but drops will not remain. she frowns. it doesnt take her more than a few seconds to realise that drops will not be trapped into her fist. she smiles again, stretches her arms, and merry-go-rounds herself, taking not a few drops but all the rain, absorbing it, feeling it, and then letting it slide down. face up, looking at the clouds and the sky and the rainbow, she dances with the joy of the moment.

let me enjoy life like the rain falling all over me. if i try to catch the moments, i will only be miserable. the whole of life is drizzling beautifully all around me, its madness to worry about catching a few moments. i will frown, for time will not be trapped. let me open my eyes, look at the sky, stretch out my wings and feel the air. life will not wait for me. if i close my eyes now, clouds are not going to go away, rainbows are not going to stay. let me take in, absorb, feel, whatever life has for me. and then let it go. it will not do to try and catch anything.

let me live my life like the child, and then will i have lived.

Perceptions

Everyone sees the world as he is. Even when I 'step into other man's shoes', I'll still think the way I do, and there's no way in the world I can ever think someone else's way.

When I look at other person and try to see things through his perspective, or when I react to his behaviour keeping in mind his personality, however much I school myself to see things his way, I'll still be doing things my own way.

I am a person who keeps to myself. Who expresses a lot through actions, body language, tone, way of doing things. Who concises his speech so as to convey max through a layer of meanings by judicious use of words. When the other person says no, I'll interpret the no in my way. I'll try to decipher the no, because thats how I speak: layering the words with multiple meanings and inferences. I'll draw the inferences, the ones which I'd have conveyed if I were saying no in the given situation. The other person gives me a gift. The way I've grown up and groomed, the atmosphere and culture I've been brought up in, giving gift in that particular situation might mean something and I'll fix that something as the other person's intentions.

The no could simply have been that, a plain vanilla no. Without any future implications and past references. Without any inbuilt meanings and inherent inferences. A no can always simply be a no and nothing more. But thats not how I think and so I cannot on my own realise which one of the no's is plain vanilla and which a paraphrase for a whole lot of talk. When its me who interprets the no, it simply won't occur to me that it can be nothing more than what it is.

The gift might be just that, an impulsive gift, with nothing more to read into the gesture. A small momentary pleasure for the giver. But since I have never had anything to do with impulse I'll try to connect it with reason. I'll think up all sorts of reasons for that gift. I'll react based on what I perceive is the actual reason. If I cant zero in on one, if I get confused as to what its all about and cant make up my mind, god save me. Because thats a hell of a situation for me and simply sinks my confidence to an abysmal depth.

On the other hand, I am a person who speaks his mind. Has no hidden agendas and prefer the vanillas all the way in life. When I am happy I smile. When I don't like I let it show on my face, and even prefer to let the other person know, not in an implied manner through my gestures, but up front, in clear words, leaving no place for any confusions or need for deductions to be made and inferences to be drawn on the part of other person. When I say no to something, I do not cover any implicit things in that no. So when someone says no to me, it would mean a straightforward no to me. The other person may have implied that he needs a little persuasion. Or that he needs to be pampered. Or that the no is not limited for this occasion but would cover all future events as well. I simply become a dumb head in this regard because I'd not even know that I have to assume things before interpreting what other person says. I'll react to the no based on how i do things - take it to be a plain vanilla one time no.

The gift I receive would never convey to me anything more than what it is, because I myself would never have expected my gift to be self-explanatory. If I were gifting with a purpose in my mind, I'd explicitly speak out the purpose as well. Assumptions is simply not my way. So when I get a gift, there's no force in the world to inform me that the gift has a purpose attached to it which I'm supposed to know. My reply to the gift will solely be a reply to a gift. If the other person expected me to understand deeper meanings, god help him and and help me too. Because I'm gonna lose so many valuable relationships simply because I keep things simple and straight.

Even if I try to step into the shoes of the person saying no or giving a gift, and try to think things out his way, what I'm ultimately doing is thinking what I'd have done and why. Thats what we all do every time we think about others, in all given situations. And what we infer this way is also mostly incorrect, for faced such situation ourselves, we end up behaving totally differently.